One of the most frequently asked questions I receive are what I call “how to get” questions. These questions include: “How do I get my husband to communicate and express his emotions?” “How do I get my wife to want to make love more often?” “How do I get my husband to stop drinking alcohol” “ How do I get my husband to go to marriage counseling?” The answers to these questions are always the same and usually not what the questioner wants to hear. What they want me to give them is some type technique or special approach that will enable them to bring about change in their partner. But my answers to these questions are always the same: you can’t “get” an adult to do anything.
This answer is upsetting to most because it renders the questioner powerless and vulnerable and makes them come to the sometimes difficult realization that they have to accept their partner the way they are. When a client asks a “how to get” question, I tell them that while they don’t have the power to change their partner, they can provide consequences for actions that the client doesn’t like or wants changed. Consequences, both negative and positive, are what generally motivate individuals to change their behavior. For example, if I run a red light and a policeman sees me, I get a very expensive ticket. In that instance, I made the choice to run the red light and face the consequences. Next time, I might choose to stop for the light because I want to avoid the consequence of a ticket.
These kinds of choices are part of adult life and extend into day-to-day relationships as well. For example, if a client wants her husband to stop drinking, she might provide a consequence: if he doesn’t stop drinking and go to Alcoholics Anonymous, then she will leave relationship. That might sound like an ultimatum, but it’s also a choice. If he chooses alcohol over a relationship with my client, then she has a clear red flag that she is not valued and should leave the relationship. They both made a choice. Welcome to adult life.
