“Truth v. Harmony” is the basic paradigm that individuals are confronted with every day in an intimate relationship: to either communicate their truth, which involves expressing their real emotions and desires, or what they think their significant other wants to hear. The “ true” type of communication creates a certain level of anxiety because when someone communicates in this way they are taking a psychological risk, they are being vulnerable. This risk-taking is at the heart of what creates an intimate, in-love, fulfilling relationship. There is no manipulation or control involved with the truth, just risk taking. This is the only type of communication that works in sustaining a committed intimate relationship.
The other choice at the “ relationship crossroads” is harmony. Unfortunately, this is usually the path that many individuals choose once they are in committed relationship. It’ s the safe path, because they know what the outcome is going to be. They are manipulating the status quo by avoiding communication that might cause an argument or that might hurt or disappoint their lover/mate. They don’ t want to “ rock the boat” – they just want to “ go with the flow” as the saying goes. This choice is called passive behavior. This behavior inhibits any real intimacy or truth in a relationship. It’ s very boring and is void of passion, but it’ s all very nice. The couple always looks nice and they never fight, and they have a great deal of “ curb appeal” but behind closed doors there is very little emotional or sexual intimacy.
We fear the truth option because we are socialized to think that it’s better to be “nice” then be real with the truth. The common attitude is that having harmony in a marriage is a good thing no matter how it’ s achieved. In some contexts this is probably true such as in corporate America or when I was with my mother-in-law. These are places where being emotionally intimate isn’t recommended or required.
We also fear the truth because we don’ t have the psychological skills or tools to deal constructively with how to communicate intimately or how to resolve conflicts in any constructive manner.
So one of the keys to a successful relationship is being able to speak the truth, which in turn will keep your relationship vital and alive no matter how long you have been together.
