As a sex and marital therapist, I hear the common complaint that my wife or husband doesn’t initiate sexual activity. They usually say they did once when they were younger, but now they don’t seem to have the “sex drive” they once had.
Many men and women blame this on age and the change in their testosterone levels. They are looking for that urge, or a feeling, but it’s not there.
I would like to take the desire to initiate sex out of the biological sex drive area and look at from a psychological point of view. When a couple first engaged in sexual activity every thing between them was new and exciting. There wasn’t a great deal of thought as to whether they wanted to be sexually involved, it was more a question of when and where. As anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows that novelty factor wears off. The idea of being sexual with each other becomes more of a decision then a reaction to sexual opportunity.
Then the question is what are the criteria that the decision to initiate sexual activity is based on for each person in the relationship. For most people they answer with that they just feel like it, which relates to their biological urge or drive.
I want to add two psychological motivators to reasons to be sexually involved with your lover. Ideally, these two motivators are available every night and are not tied to biology or age.
The first motivator is called the pleasure principle. The concept has its origins in Freudian psychological theory. It’s pretty simple stating if a person believes that some activity or experience is going to be pleasurable then that belief is what will motivate the individual. For example, if I think about having sex with my wife and I believe that it’s is going to be pleasurable then that belief alone would motivate me to initiate sexual activity with her. This motivation is occurring independently from any biological factors present at the onset.
The second psychological motivator is what I call the “gift of love”. Initiating sexual activity with your lover is a very powerful way to show or communicate to them that you love them in a very intimate way.
Both these motivators are available to someone every night, but they are fragile to inhibition. What if the last time you were sexually involved and it wasn’t pleasurable, then you won’t want to initiate this type of experience again. What if your upset or angry with your partner regarding something they did or said earlier in the day, you most likely won’t want to initiate any gifts of love until the blocks to emotional intimacy have been resolved.
In conclusion focus on the two cognitive concepts just mentioned when wanting to initiate a sexual experience.
