Given the high percentage of affairs occurring within marriages and the prevalence of divorce, clients often ask me, “How do I trust another man or woman again with my heart?” They don’t want to be single, and they want to take the risk again, but their fear of getting hurt stops them from moving forward because they don’t want a repeat experience of being hurt and betrayed.
I tell my clients that you can’t really trust a man or woman in an intimate relationship if what trust means is a guarantee that your lover will not lie, cheat, betray, or abandon your relationship. You hope that they won’t do any of these things, but the truth is that there is no guarantee when it comes to emotional security. It’s all about taking a calculated psychological risk. The only security comes from you, and from knowing that as an adult you can be on your own.
What you need to trust is yourself. You are the person that you need have confidence in, that you will take care of yourself once you have made a commitment to a relationship. If your lover does leave you, you can take the “emotional hit” and with time be able to get back on your feet again and enjoy life.
Individuals who have been betrayed by infidelity knew at some psychological level that their partner wasn’t “there” emotionally. Their own denial blocked them from wanting to confront the situation. And if they did confront, all they heard was their partner’s denial that anything was wrong. “You’re crazy, I love you,” was the likely response.
If your partner isn’t communicating on any meaningful level, isn’t interested in spending intimate time together, is spending a lot of time away from the relationship, or the sexual frequency is down to very little, these should be strong messages that the relationship can’t just go on as usual. Often, something blatant has to occur before the situation is addressed. The trust is that you won’t wait and that you will confront the situation before you find out that your partner is having an affair. This means respecting yourself enough not to put up with these conditions, and being willing to separate if they aren’t addressed by your partner.
The challenge for recovering from a marital affair is the ability to see that
there are two cognitive approaches to marriage as a concept. One type is
usually the first approach that most people have when they get married for
the first time which is that their spouse will never cheat on them. It’s the
traditional belief that their spouse is committed until “death do us part”
mindset. I look at this type of marriage as more of a childhood fantasy that
so many people develop from their parents, their religious upbringing, and
the media. Much of this programming is done without us being unconscious
that it’s occurring. I call this the classic “Marriage Fantasy”. It’s an
unconscious script that couples start playing out the minute they say “I Do” when they recite their wedding vows.
I remember as a teenager in 1963 on the beaches of Southern California
everyone listening to their transistor radios tuned to the same radio station
blasting out the top 40 hit, “Going to the Chapel of Love” by the Dixie Cups.
The lyric that was played over and over again goes like this:
Goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married
Goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married
Gee, I really love you
And we’re gonna get married
Goin’ to the chapel of love
Spring is here, the sky is blue, whoa-oh-oh
Birds all sing as if they knew
Today’s the day we’ll say “I do”
And we’ll never be lonely anymore
I was too young to understand or analyze the message that was
subconsciously being programmed in my head at the time. The message is
that all I had to do was get married and I will never be lonely again. Now I can see how I was being set up for a major case of cognitive dissonance
when my wife of twenty-two years got caught having an affair and my
marriage was over.
This type of thinking sets us up with a false sense of security that once we
are married we will never be abandoned by our spouse at least not by their
choosing. So when we find out that our spouse has been involved with
another person and has not been truthful then this type of marriage vision
of unconditional security is destroyed.
So the whole concept of martial security is lost. The childhood fantasy is
taken away and the question comes to the forefront of how can I risk
getting married again when the person who says they love you and is your
best friend, who you think would never ever leave you lies straight to your
face. How do I trust again and make a commitment to being married?
I believe on a cognitive level the answer to how to take the risk again is
based on changing your belief system regarding marriage itself. Instead of
seeing marriage as an “until death does us part” relationship a person who
has been lied to view needs to see marriage as a very tenuous situation
which you can lose at any time. There is no guarantee of security, the
possibility of abandonment is always possible.
Welcome to the adult world; that security comes from the individual
knowing that they can take care of themselves if their spouse leaves them
for someone else. You have no control, you are vulnerable to
experiencing the loss of the relationship. You have the confidence and trust
in yourself that you can survive the “hit” of the loss and betrayal, recover,
and love again.
This confidence sends a powerful psychological message to a spouse
which is that if they don’t treat you with respect and honor your agreement
of monogamy they will be moving on and out of your life.
