The common attitude regarding sex within the context of a marital relationship is that the longer a couple has been together, the worse their sex life will become. The frequency drops off along with the passion and intensity. They tend to blame it on having children or how long they have been together. These two factors contribute to the problem, but I think there is something else that is occurring psychologically. Some people believe that’s just what happens when you have been with the same partner for a long time and there’s not much you can do about it. Some couples resort to using pornography or other means to spice up their sexual relationship. These external stimuli might work for a while, but their effect doesn’t last over time.
From my experience as a sex and marital therapist and educator for thirty-six years, it’s clear that there are some critical psychological keys to maintaining fulfilling sexual experiences in a long-term relationship. These key concepts aren’t taught to the general public, so it’s no wonder that people have such unfulfilling sexual relationships in their marriages. The following are the five key concepts that I teach my clients and students so they may have a fulfilling sexual relationship.
Emotional Vulnerability
Great sex begins with emotional vulnerability within the context of a committed relationship. Being emotionally vulnerable is when both spouses are able to take the psychological risk of being totally open and verbally communicate their emotional experience as it relates to all aspects of their life. They can truly be emotionally naked. When both partners take this risk and feel safe, then they have created emotional intimacy within their relationship.
It’s not easy to take this risk because major fears of getting hurt can inhibit us from putting ourselves out there in a vulnerable way. The payoff of intimacy is well worth it. Being inhibited by fear leads to nothing but hurt and resentment of living in a relationship that is intimately unfulfilling.
I learned about the concept of vulnerability when I trained as a sex therapist. Masters and Johnson used the concept in their approach to treating sexual dysfunctions. I have used it ever since in my own practice and life. When I learned the concept, it gave me the antidote to all the cynicism I encountered regarding long-term sexual fulfillment.
Emotional vulnerability plays a major role in attaining sexual fulfillment by building the trust between the couple that allows them to experience a total sense of physical and mental abandon within their sexual relationship. Having an orgasm is abandoning oneself to erotic stimulation both on a physical and mental level. You lose control involuntarily, that is without a conscious decision.
The problem occurs when you won’t take the risk and share your emotions with the same person outside the bedroom. If you don’t trust them, how are you going to have this major sense of physical and mental vulnerability sexually? You won’t. You can go through motions and have intercourse and even experience an orgasm, but the quality or degree of pleasure will be inhibited. It’s hard to go from being “roommates” to being lovers by just changing rooms in the house.
Breaking the Goal Orientation towards Sex
One of the major traps to the lifestyle that so many people live once they get into the suburban marriage pattern is that everything is done in a hurry. There is a major shortage of time, especially when children are in the picture. When this pressure to get things done infiltrates a couple’s sex life, it takes its toll on their sexual experience.
The couple’s sexual relationship becomes very goal oriented—their sexual interaction is just another activity to get done so they can check it off their to-do list. The goal orientation attitude towards sex affects the level of sustained pleasure that couples experience. With the decrease in sexual pleasure, the motivation for the couple to initiate sexual activity is taken away and hence their sexual frequency is greatly reduced.
Viewing sex as a goal to be achieved sets up an attitude that once a couple engages in foreplay they have to go all the way to orgasm via intercourse. It’s like they get on a train in San Francisco and once on the train, they have to go to New York. They can’t stop in Reno or Chicago and check those cities out and get back on the train or just spend the night in either city. It’s this all-or-nothing attitude that hurts so many couples in terms of their ability to connect on a physical level, because when sex has to be all or nothing you mostly get nothing.
The opposite attitude to goal orientation is to enjoy the pleasure in the moment. If the sexual experiences continue further down the road, that’s fine, but there is no pressure to achieve anything sexual.
Remember, sex is a journey not a destination.
Both Partners Are Able to Take Responsibility for Their Own Sexual Experience
It’s common for men to believe that they are responsible for their partner’s sexual experience. They believe this just because they are a man. They are the sex experts and they should know what to do. Their sense of being a good lover, good husband, and their manhood are all at stake in their ability to succeed at this “job” of being the sex expert relative to their wife and her sexual experience. This emphasis on doing it well puts a tremendous amount of pressure on both husband and wife, which in turn creates a lot of anxiety that blocks what sexual pleasure they can experience.
Women, on the other hand, sometimes get the message that they shouldn’t know too much about their own sexuality. They should be virginal and innocent and wait for their male expert to teach them about sex and their own body. As a result, this type of woman can’t take responsibility for her sexuality because she doesn’t have any knowledge of her own body from a sexual standpoint.
Another type of woman is someone who knows about her own sexuality, meaning she knows what works for her regarding her own pleasure. The problem for this woman is that her partner gets upset if she communicates this information, because he believes he should just know what he is doing and doesn’t need any direction—because he is a man. As result of this reaction, communication doesn’t occur and the couple ends up frustrated. Some men may also feel threatened by how this information was obtained. It wrecks the man’s fantasy knowing that his wife has had previous sexual experience with other men or herself.
What taking responsibility for your own sexuality means in real life is that you communicate what you want or don’t want to happen during your sexual experience with your spouse. You are assertive as opposed to aggressive or passive.
When both partners let go of outdated and dysfunctional attitudes regarding responsibility, it will set them free to really enjoy their sexual experiences together. When they can trust that their partner will take care of himself or herself in bed, it sets both of them free to enjoy the moment without worrying about their partner.
No Repression of Anger and Resentments
The repression of anger and resentments truly has a major negative impact on a couple’s sexual desire and ability to fully respond sexually. The resentments generally come from unresolved conflicts of behavior that have accumulated over time. Sometimes these conflicts are major issues such as drinking, drugs, lying, or verbal abuse, but for the majority of couples it’s the behaviors that people think are small, petty, trivial, and not worth getting upset about that take their toll on the couple’s sex life. Their attitude is why sweat the small stuff—it’s just not worth getting into a fight. Unfortunately, it is the small resentments that add up over time that dull the couple’s sexual passion.
It is difficult if not impossible to be affectionate, romantic, or sexually intimate with a spouse you are angry towards. You may not be conscious of this anger because it may be buried, or it might be right on the surface, but it will block the sexual interaction either way in some fashion.
This is not to say couples can’t be sexual with each other if they have repressed resentments or anger. It’s just that they won’t be able to let go emotionally, which is what making love is all about as opposed to just having sex. The latter becomes mechanical and boring over time, which leaves the couple unfulfilled. This condition in and of itself creates its own level of resentment so it becomes a vicious cycle.
The attitude I recommend to couples is that if you want to have an exciting, fulfilling long-term sexual relationship, then you want to encourage your partner to tell you the things you do that bother them, big or small, as soon as possible. You don’t want them to hold the emotions of resentment and anger back because you want them to stay turned on to you as long as you are together.
Win-Win Approach to Conflict Resolution
For most couples, the idea and application of a win-win approach to conflict resolution in their relationship is usually non-existent. The idea of any constructive approach to conflict is rare from my clinical experience. Most couples approach conflict between them either by avoiding conflict if possible with a “don’t rock the boat” attitude, or if they are going have conflict, their approach is to fight to win.
Neither of these approaches really resolves the conflict, because the outcome produces resentment for one or both of the partners. As mentioned earlier, this unresolved resentment will take its toll on the couple’s level of intimacy.
When it comes to conflict in our culture we like to win, whether it’s a war, a football game, a debate, a lawsuit, or a tennis match. We are competitive and approach life from this point of view. I don’t see a problem with being competitive when that is the goal and context. When I play tennis I go out to win, not lose, but when this competitive adversarial approach infiltrates a relationship between lovers, it destroys the intimacy on both an emotional and sexual level. The idea of being an adversary and lover in the same relationship doesn’t sound compatible. If you want to be an adversary with your spouse, save it for divorce court where you can officially be adversaries, because most likely that’s where the relationship will end.
The approach I recommend to couples when it comes to conflict is what I call the win-win approach. There are no emotional losers at the negotiation table. Neither partner can feel angry or resentful with the solution that the couple chooses to resolve their conflict. Neither partner can perceive that they lost. Both have to be emotionally comfortable with the negotiated solution. The process of reaching this solution can take ten minutes or three weeks, but no action is taken unless both partners can sign off emotionally.
No matter how badly you may want something, you don’t want it if it comes at your spouse’s emotional expense if you want to have a great sex life.
These five concepts lay the psychological foundation for great long-term emotional and sexual intimacy. If you want to learn more about these concepts and others, they are covered in my three books and my two DVDs.
Conclusion
These five key abilities create the foundation for creating an intimate relationship on both an emotional and sexual level. These concepts and behaviors are not always easy to put into action, but with a personal commitment to the goal of intimacy, it will become easier with time. Whatever level of application is achieved it will be better than to continue the old patterns thinking that with time the relationship will get better. If you want more information regarding these concepts are covered in greater detail in my book, Creating the Intimate Connection, The Basics to Emotional Intimacy.
