One major problem in most personal relationships, whether between husband and wife or between parent and child, is the inability to effectively listen to each other. This isn’t surprising to me, given that the skill of effective listening isn’t taught to most people. Yes, taught, because there is nothing “natural” about being an effective listener. Effective listening requires having a procedure and a goal.
When I ask clients how they listen to their spouse when they are emotional about something that has happened to them, they usually say that they just “listen.” The most popular concept of listening is what I call silence and eye contact. Most people think that good listening means looking at the speaker and not saying anything until they are finished. The problem with this approach to listening is that if I am sharing important emotional information and my spouse just looks at me and doesn’t say anything, it makes me doubt whether she actually heard anything I said. When the speaker doubts whether they have been heard, then the listening was ineffective.
Some people ask questions to show that they are listening, but this just takes the speaker down a path that they didn’t intend to go, which can be upsetting, and reflects the listener’s agenda rather than the speaker’s. Others listen by saying things like: “ I hear you,” or “ I know how you feel,” or “ That’s interesting,” but again these statements don’t really give the speaker the sense of being heard.
The key to effectively listening to someone who is emotional is to verbally acknowledge their emotion as it relates to what they are sharing. For example, “So you are really upset that I am late,” or “You are really excited about going away this weekend.”
When you verbally acknowledge the speaker’s emotions, then they will feel cared about, understood, and heard. For more information regarding this blog check out my book, Creating the Intimate Connection.
