Many men and women blame this on age and the change in their testosterone levels. They are looking for that urge, or a feeling, but it’s not there.

I would like to take the desire to initiate sex out of the biological sex drive area and look at from a psychological point of view. When a couple first engaged in sexual activity every thing between them was new and exciting. There wasn’t a great deal of thought as to whether they wanted to be sexually involved, it was more a question of when and where. As anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows that novelty factor wears off. The idea of being sexual with each other becomes more of a decision then a reaction to sexual opportunity.

Then the question is what are the criteria that the decision to initiate sexual activity is based on for each person in the relationship. For most people they answer with that they just feel like it, which relates to their biological urge or drive.

I want to add two psychological motivators to reasons to be sexually involved with your lover. Ideally, these two motivators are available every night and are not tied to biology or age.

The first motivator is called the pleasure principle. The concept has its origins in Freudian psychological theory. It’s pretty simple stating if a person believes that some activity or experience is going to be pleasurable then that belief is what will motivate the individual. For example, if I think about having sex with my wife and I believe that it’s is going to be pleasurable then that belief alone would motivate me to initiate sexual activity with her. This motivation is occurring independently from any biological factors present at the onset.

The second psychological motivator is what I call the “gift of love”. Initiating sexual activity with your lover is a very powerful way to show or communicate to them that you love them in a very intimate way.

Both these motivators are available to someone every night, but they are fragile to inhibition. What if the last time you were sexually involved and it wasn’t pleasurable, then you won’t want to initiate this type of experience again. What if your upset or angry with your partner regarding something they did or said earlier in the day, you most likely won’t want to initiate any gifts of love until the blocks to emotional intimacy have been resolved.

In conclusion focus on the two cognitive concepts just mentioned when wanting to initiate a sexual experience.

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“Yes we do, we spent all weekend together.”

“But we were never alone. We were with the kids at all their activities and with our other couple friends at night.”

“Well, I would say we are together all the time.”

This conversation typifies a common problem facing many couples today- creating the time for their relationship. In today’s busy world, trying to take care of all our relationships, such as children, our job, family and friends is a major task. The one relationship we tend to neglect is our relationship with our spouse. Our culture’s belief that marriage is “until death we part” tends to set us up for taking the relationship for granted and creating an atmosphere of complacency.

Some people have the attitude that they got married so they wouldn’t have to date anymore. I can understand not wanting to got through the hassle of meeting new people, but I wouldn’t want to stop putting out the effort of making dates with my lover once the commitment to the relationship occurs.

Couples must dedicate a specific time and place on their calendar to be alone with their spouse. Some people believe that a couple’s time together should just happen spontaneously, without any planning. The possibility of spontaneously getting together with your spouse might be a reality if you’re on vacation, but with the demands of the workweek and kids’ activities on the weekends, this spontaneity is not likely.

Couples must set up time to be alone in advance so they can be intimate- whether it be an evening dinner or a weekend away without children. It needs to be put on the couple’s family calendar along with the soccer matches and all the other events.

Too often couples wait until the very existence of their relationship is threatened to create the time and space to be together. It’s only then that their relationship moves up to number one on their priority list. It’s sad that the fear of losing the relationship is what motivates them. I would rather have their joy and pleasure of being together be the motivation to create a date of intimacy and romance.

A song lyric that I always keep in my mind that helps me to avoid this relationship trap of complacency is “you don’t miss your water until your well runs dry.”

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The other choice at the “ relationship crossroads” is harmony. Unfortunately, this is usually the path that many individuals choose once they are in committed relationship. It’ s the safe path, because they know what the outcome is going to be. They are manipulating the status quo by avoiding communication that might cause an argument or that might hurt or disappoint their lover/mate. They don’ t want to “ rock the boat” – they just want to “ go with the flow” as the saying goes. This choice is called passive behavior. This behavior inhibits any real intimacy or truth in a relationship. It’ s very boring and is void of passion, but it’ s all very nice. The couple always looks nice and they never fight, and they have a great deal of “ curb appeal” but behind closed doors there is very little emotional or sexual intimacy.

We fear the truth option because we are socialized to think that it’s better to be “nice” then be real with the truth. The common attitude is that having harmony in a marriage is a good thing no matter how it’ s achieved. In some contexts this is probably true such as in corporate America or when I was with my mother-in-law. These are places where being emotionally intimate isn’t recommended or required.

We also fear the truth because we don’ t have the psychological skills or tools to deal constructively with how to communicate intimately or how to resolve conflicts in any constructive manner.

So one of the keys to a successful relationship is being able to speak the truth, which in turn will keep your relationship vital and alive no matter how long you have been together.

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I tell my clients that you can’t really trust a man or woman in an intimate relationship if what trust means is a guarantee that your lover will not lie, cheat, betray, or abandon your relationship. You hope that they won’t do any of these things, but the truth is that there is no guarantee when it comes to emotional security. It’s all about taking a calculated psychological risk. The only security comes from you, and from knowing that as an adult you can be on your own.

What you need to trust is yourself. You are the person that you need have confidence in, that you will take care of yourself once you have made a commitment to a relationship. If your lover does leave you, you can take the “emotional hit” and with time be able to get back on your feet again and enjoy life.

Individuals who have been betrayed by infidelity knew at some psychological level that their partner wasn’t “there” emotionally. Their own denial blocked them from wanting to confront the situation.  And if they did confront, all they heard was their partner’s denial that anything was wrong. “You’re crazy, I love you,” was the likely response.

If your partner isn’t communicating on any meaningful level, isn’t interested in spending intimate time together, is spending a lot of time away from the relationship, or the sexual frequency is down to very little, these should be strong messages that the relationship can’t just go on as usual. Often, something blatant has to occur before the situation is addressed. The trust is that you won’t wait and that you will confront the situation before you find out that your partner is having an affair. This means respecting yourself enough not to put up with these conditions, and being willing to separate if they aren’t addressed by your partner.

The challenge for recovering from a marital affair is the ability to see that
there are two cognitive approaches to marriage as a concept. One type is
usually the first approach that most people have when they get married for
the first time which is that their spouse will never cheat on them. It’s the
traditional belief that their spouse is committed until “death do us part”
mindset. I look at this type of marriage as more of a childhood fantasy that
so many people develop from their parents, their religious upbringing, and
the media. Much of this programming is done without us being unconscious
that it’s occurring. I call this the classic “Marriage Fantasy”. It’s an
unconscious script that couples start playing out the minute they say “I Do” when they recite their wedding vows.

I remember as a teenager in 1963 on the beaches of Southern California
everyone listening to their transistor radios tuned to the same radio station
blasting out the top 40 hit, “Going to the Chapel of Love” by the Dixie Cups.
The lyric that was played over and over again goes like this:

Goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married
Goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married
Gee, I really love you
And we’re gonna get married
Goin’ to the chapel of love
Spring is here, the sky is blue, whoa-oh-oh
Birds all sing as if they knew
Today’s the day we’ll say “I do”
And we’ll never be lonely anymore

I was too young to understand or analyze the message that was
subconsciously being programmed in my head at the time. The message is
that all I had to do was get married and I will never be lonely again. Now I can see how I was being set up for a major case of cognitive dissonance
when my wife of twenty-two years got caught having an affair and my
marriage was over.

This type of thinking sets us up with a false sense of security that once we
are married we will never be abandoned by our spouse at least not by their
choosing. So when we find out that our spouse has been involved with
another person and has not been truthful then this type of marriage vision
of unconditional security is destroyed.

So the whole concept of martial security is lost. The childhood fantasy is
taken away and the question comes to the forefront of how can I risk
getting married again when the person who says they love you and is your
best friend, who you think would never ever leave you lies straight to your
face. How do I trust again and make a commitment to being married?

I believe on a cognitive level the answer to how to take the risk again is
based on changing your belief system regarding marriage itself. Instead of
seeing marriage as an “until death does us part” relationship a person who
has been lied to view needs to see marriage as a very tenuous situation
which you can lose at any time. There is no guarantee of security, the
possibility of abandonment is always possible.

Welcome to the adult world; that security comes from the individual
knowing that they can take care of themselves if their spouse leaves them
for someone else. You have no control, you are vulnerable to
experiencing the loss of the relationship. You have the confidence and trust
in yourself that you can survive the “hit” of the loss and betrayal, recover,
and love again.

This confidence sends a powerful psychological message to a spouse
which is that if they don’t treat you with respect and honor your agreement
of monogamy they will be moving on and out of your life.

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From my experience as a sex and marital therapist and educator for thirty-six years, it’s clear that there are some critical psychological keys to maintaining fulfilling sexual experiences in a long-term relationship. These key concepts aren’t taught to the general public, so it’s no wonder that people have such unfulfilling sexual relationships in their marriages. The following are the five key concepts that I teach my clients and students so they may have a fulfilling sexual relationship.

Emotional Vulnerability

Great sex begins with emotional vulnerability within the context of a committed relationship. Being emotionally vulnerable is when both spouses are able to take the psychological risk of being totally open and verbally communicate their emotional experience as it relates to all aspects of their life. They can truly be emotionally naked. When both partners take this risk and feel safe, then they have created emotional intimacy within their relationship.

It’s not easy to take this risk because major fears of getting hurt can inhibit us from putting ourselves out there in a vulnerable way. The payoff of intimacy is well worth it. Being inhibited by fear leads to nothing but hurt and resentment of living in a relationship that is intimately unfulfilling.

I learned about the concept of vulnerability when I trained as a sex therapist. Masters and Johnson used the concept in their approach to treating sexual dysfunctions. I have used it ever since in my own practice and life. When I learned the concept, it gave me the antidote to all the cynicism I encountered regarding long-term sexual fulfillment.

Emotional vulnerability plays a major role in attaining sexual fulfillment by building the trust between the couple that allows them to experience a total sense of physical and mental abandon within their sexual relationship. Having an orgasm is abandoning oneself to erotic stimulation both on a physical and mental level. You lose control involuntarily, that is without a conscious decision.

The problem occurs when you won’t take the risk and share your emotions with the same person outside the bedroom. If you don’t trust them, how are you going to have this major sense of physical and mental vulnerability sexually? You won’t. You can go through motions and have intercourse and even experience an orgasm, but the quality or degree of pleasure will be inhibited. It’s hard to go from being “roommates” to being lovers by just changing rooms in the house.

Breaking the Goal Orientation towards Sex

One of the major traps to the lifestyle that so many people live once they get into the suburban marriage pattern is that everything is done in a hurry. There is a major shortage of time, especially when children are in the picture. When this pressure to get things done infiltrates a couple’s sex life, it takes its toll on their sexual experience.

The couple’s sexual relationship becomes very goal oriented—their sexual interaction is just another activity to get done so they can check it off their to-do list. The goal orientation attitude towards sex affects the level of sustained pleasure that couples experience. With the decrease in sexual pleasure, the motivation for the couple to initiate sexual activity is taken away and hence their sexual frequency is greatly reduced.

Viewing sex as a goal to be achieved sets up an attitude that once a couple engages in foreplay they have to go all the way to orgasm via intercourse. It’s like they get on a train in San Francisco and once on the train, they have to go to New York. They can’t stop in Reno or Chicago and check those cities out and get back on the train or just spend the night in either city. It’s this all-or-nothing attitude that hurts so many couples in terms of their ability to connect on a physical level, because when sex has to be all or nothing you mostly get nothing.

The opposite attitude to goal orientation is to enjoy the pleasure in the moment. If the sexual experiences continue further down the road, that’s fine, but there is no pressure to achieve anything sexual.

Remember, sex is a journey not a destination.

Both Partners Are Able to Take Responsibility for Their Own Sexual Experience

It’s common for men to believe that they are responsible for their partner’s sexual experience. They believe this just because they are a man. They are the sex experts and they should know what to do. Their sense of being a good lover, good husband, and their manhood are all at stake in their ability to succeed at this “job” of being the sex expert relative to their wife and her sexual experience. This emphasis on doing it well puts a tremendous amount of pressure on both husband and wife, which in turn creates a lot of anxiety that blocks what sexual pleasure they can experience.

Women, on the other hand, sometimes get the message that they shouldn’t know too much about their own sexuality. They should be virginal and innocent and wait for their male expert to teach them about sex and their own body. As a result, this type of woman can’t take responsibility for her sexuality because she doesn’t have any knowledge of her own body from a sexual standpoint.

Another type of woman is someone who knows about her own sexuality, meaning she knows what works for her regarding her own pleasure. The problem for this woman is that her partner gets upset if she communicates this information, because he believes he should just know what he is doing and doesn’t need any direction—because he is a man. As result of this reaction, communication doesn’t occur and the couple ends up frustrated. Some men may also feel threatened by how this information was obtained. It wrecks the man’s fantasy knowing that his wife has had previous sexual experience with other men or herself.

What taking responsibility for your own sexuality means in real life is that you communicate what you want or don’t want to happen during your sexual experience with your spouse. You are assertive as opposed to aggressive or passive.

When both partners let go of outdated and dysfunctional attitudes regarding responsibility, it will set them free to really enjoy their sexual experiences together. When they can trust that their partner will take care of himself or herself in bed, it sets both of them free to enjoy the moment without worrying about their partner.

No Repression of Anger and Resentments

The repression of anger and resentments truly has a major negative impact on a couple’s sexual desire and ability to fully respond sexually. The resentments generally come from unresolved conflicts of behavior that have accumulated over time. Sometimes these conflicts are major issues such as drinking, drugs, lying, or verbal abuse, but for the majority of couples it’s the behaviors that people think are small, petty, trivial, and not worth getting upset about that take their toll on the couple’s sex life. Their attitude is why sweat the small stuff—it’s just not worth getting into a fight. Unfortunately, it is the small resentments that add up over time that dull the couple’s sexual passion.

It is difficult if not impossible to be affectionate, romantic, or sexually intimate with a spouse you are angry towards. You may not be conscious of this anger because it may be buried, or it might be right on the surface, but it will block the sexual interaction either way in some fashion.

This is not to say couples can’t be sexual with each other if they have repressed resentments or anger. It’s just that they won’t be able to let go emotionally, which is what making love is all about as opposed to just having sex. The latter becomes mechanical and boring over time, which leaves the couple unfulfilled. This condition in and of itself creates its own level of resentment so it becomes a vicious cycle.

The attitude I recommend to couples is that if you want to have an exciting, fulfilling long-term sexual relationship, then you want to encourage your partner to tell you the things you do that bother them, big or small, as soon as possible. You don’t want them to hold the emotions of resentment and anger back because you want them to stay turned on to you as long as you are together.

Win-Win Approach to Conflict Resolution

For most couples, the idea and application of a win-win approach to conflict resolution in their relationship is usually non-existent. The idea of any constructive approach to conflict is rare from my clinical experience. Most couples approach conflict between them either by avoiding conflict if possible with a “don’t rock the boat” attitude, or if they are going have conflict, their approach is to fight to win.

Neither of these approaches really resolves the conflict, because the outcome produces resentment for one or both of the partners. As mentioned earlier, this unresolved resentment will take its toll on the couple’s level of intimacy.

When it comes to conflict in our culture we like to win, whether it’s a war, a football game, a debate, a lawsuit, or a tennis match. We are competitive and approach life from this point of view. I don’t see a problem with being competitive when that is the goal and context. When I play tennis I go out to win, not lose, but when this competitive adversarial approach infiltrates a relationship between lovers, it destroys the intimacy on both an emotional and sexual level. The idea of being an adversary and lover in the same relationship doesn’t sound compatible. If you want to be an adversary with your spouse, save it for divorce court where you can officially be adversaries, because most likely that’s where the relationship will end.

The approach I recommend to couples when it comes to conflict is what I call the win-win approach. There are no emotional losers at the negotiation table. Neither partner can feel angry or resentful with the solution that the couple chooses to resolve their conflict. Neither partner can perceive that they lost. Both have to be emotionally comfortable with the negotiated solution. The process of reaching this solution can take ten minutes or three weeks, but no action is taken unless both partners can sign off emotionally.

No matter how badly you may want something, you don’t want it if it comes at your spouse’s emotional expense if you want to have a great sex life.

These five concepts lay the psychological foundation for great long-term emotional and sexual intimacy. If you want to learn more about these concepts and others, they are covered in my three books and my two DVDs.

Conclusion

These five key abilities create the foundation for creating an intimate relationship on both an emotional and sexual level. These concepts and behaviors are not always easy to put into action, but with a personal commitment to the goal of intimacy, it will become easier with time. Whatever level of application is achieved it will be better than to continue the old patterns thinking that with time the relationship will get better. If you want more information regarding these concepts are covered in greater detail in my book, Creating the Intimate Connection, The Basics to Emotional Intimacy.

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It’s important to communicate your expectations regarding what you would like to have happen on this day with your lover before Valentine’s Day. You want to make sure that you are both on the same page as far as what you would like to experience. No right or wrong just what works for both of you. Surprises are fun, but the basic format or plan needs to be discussed ahead of time. Too many couples think that their partner should know what they want and they shouldn’t have to come out and tell them. This approach is very risky and can lead to a very disappointing experience. If expectations are communicated before the day then if there are any conflicts in what you both want to do then they can be resolved before the day.

As for the roses, yes they are expensive, but they are worth their value in what they communicate to your lover. You are telling her that she is still your lover, and you are treating her just like you did when you first met when you were in the pursuit of her love and wouldn’t think about the price.

Valentine’s Day is the day to remind us what being lovers is all about; giving pleasure to one another whether it be emotional, physical or enjoying a nice meal together. It’s about sharing time and space together. That’s what being romantic is all about, sharing intimately. Romance is about creating an atmosphere or an experience that fosters a couple’s ability to be totally connected with each other without the distractions of television, computers, children and other people.

One last thing, the Valentine’s card is an opportunity to express in writing how you truly feel about your lover. Get a blank card and write down how important your lover is to you in detail. The more detail there is the more it has meaning and impact.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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People seek my help as a therapist so they can make changes to improve their lives for the better. I believe that there are three key psychological components necessary in order to make these changes become reality. This is true for individuals as well as couples. The first component is what I call awareness. Without the awareness or knowledge as to how to make changes, people just keep doing the same thing over and over again, thinking that somehow the change will happen on its own. Usually, they just keep getting more frustrated to the point where they just give up trying. Many people live their lives on autopilot until a crisis occurs and their denial is broken. Then they begin to realize that they need more information to improve their lives and they seek awareness about how to do this.

The next key component is motivation. Without motivation, the changes don’t happen even if an individual has the knowledge. They are all “talk” and no “walk.” The motivational energy for people to make changes in their lives comes from their emotions. Are they angry enough or scared enough to make the change? What is enough depends on the particular person.

The last key component is acceptance. Generally, an individual is critical or judgmental of the aspect of themselves they want to change. People resist change when they feel judged by others or by themselves. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you like the aspect of yourself you want to change; you just don’t attack yourself with critical self-talk.

When all three of these components are occurring, real personal change is possible, regardless of your age or gender.

Happy New Year!

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